I’ve resisted posting things based on my personal life mostly because I don’t know who reads this site. (Or paradoxically, because I know exactly who reads this site). However, I think the following observations might be useful to enough loyal readers to warrant revealing part of my personal life to the public.
Skipping most of the back-story, I recently went out with someone. We had a total of two dates in the span of roughly three weeks¹ and things were going relatively smoothly.² This past Friday, I called her up to wish her a “Shabbat Shalom” and to shmooze for a bit. Long story short, after telling me how nice I am, what a great guy I am, and what a great time she had, she said she didn”t want to continue dating because she couldn”t see it going anywhere, or in her words, “I can”t see us raising grandchildren together.” ³
This is hardly the first time this has happened to me, and I think it”s happened to several other guys as well. We”re nice, considerate, otherwise great guys and perhaps what a person is looking for, but for some reason this isn’t enough.
This used to frustrate me greatly. Honestly, I don’t hold a grudge against anyone – everyone is entitled to make decisions which they feel will gring them the greatest happiness. However, being at U of C pretending to be an academic, I decided to analyze this phenomenon. And like all good pseudo-academics, we have to first define our terms. What makes a guy a “nice” guy” My experience is that generally they will have several of – but not limited to – the following characteristics: kind, polite, sensitive, considerate of others feelings and emotions, often funny, often intelligent, good sense of the world, and will treat someone with respect. Sounds like a “nice guy,” no? If you’re female, it might sound like a typical shidduch offer, and odds are you’d be turned off immediately. If you meet someone like this in a normal setting, you might like him, but only as a friend – even though he might be a perfect match for you.⁴
Why then is it that the nice guys so often finish last? How can being nice actually be a turn off and harm someone”s chances for a meaningful relationship? I think the answer can be found in an old adage which usually has a different connotation:

“Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”

The usual interpretation is that since men are only interested in one thing. Once they get it, they would see no need for a commitment i.e. marriage. I think the same logic holds true for women. Assume the popular myth that women want an emotional connection of some sort. If there is a “nice guy” around, she can the emotional support she needs from someone without having to commit. She may be able to confide in him, have him work around her apartment, help her with just about any crisis, and she doesn”t have to make any sort of commitment back to him. The guy will obviously put up with it, because after all, he’s “nice” and this is what nice people do.
So if there’s a person who is willing to do all this for you – with nothing in return, why would you consider a serious relationship with this person” You can go find someone else who is cooler, richer, better looking, or anything else and still have that “nice” person around when you need him or if nothing else works out.
Cow, Milk, Free.
I should note that there can be exceptions – in my case roughly 1.5 exceptions.⁵ But overall, I see that there can be a few options and I”m opening this up to discussion. What should people like me – us “nice guys” – do to get out of this?
The poll is open and will be for about two weeks. Comment as necessary below.
Poll Has Been Closed
See the followup post: Waiting On A Friend
The poll has now been closed, You may still view the results or if you’re too lazy to click the link:
43% – Stay nice – Something good will turn up eventually (29 votes)
3% – Stay nice – might not work for you, but why should everyone else lose out” (2 votes)
49% – Stay nice – just stop being such a wimp (33 votes)
6% – Get a complete attitude adjustment – might require mental reprogramming and/or labotomy (4 votes)

1. We were supposed to have had a third date sometime in there, but I got stood up.
2. Intentionally omitting details.
3. Which reminded me of the most comical breakup line I once got from someone in Israel: “I can”t go out with you anymore, because if I keep speaking to you, it would be bad.” How true. How very true.
4. I’m not talking about guys who come on too strong. I can understand how guys who throw themselves at women aren’t terribly attractive, and could probably use the system
5. No, I will not elaborate.

I finished my take-home midterm today – to wiped now to do much. Next week, I give a presentation for Theorizing Religion on Asceticism In Rabbinic Judaism. Obviously, it wlil be a little different than my shiurim because of the nature of the class. Still, I get to do a quick intro to Talmud with a little mahshevet hazal thrown in. Not bad for a “secular” college.

Updated on August 29th, 2006
First, let me welcome you to YUTOPIA – The Sometimes Updated Blog of Rabbi Josh Yuter. If you’re reading this entry, you’re probably looking for some more information about who I am and what I’m doing here.

As you might have guessed, my name is Joshua Yuter, and among other things, an ordained rabbi from Yeshiva University. After bouncing around for years, I’m currently landed in Washington Heights New York and employed as a computer programmer.

I started blogging primarily to improve my writing skills with minimal accountability. Meaning, I felt I needed a non-threatening public forum where I could speak my mind and not get villified. (yet). The short answer to my general hashkafa is is ashkenazi guf, non-kabbalistic sepharadi neshama. Long answer is…well, you’ll just have to come back here more often to figure that out, but in terms of halakha check out this series for starters. Of course you should read everything in the archives – not that it’s all gold, but some interesting things in there…somewhere.

The significance of the name YUTOPIA is often misattributed to my connections with Yeshiva University (YU). This is a reasonable guess considering I spent 7 years there, but I’ve moved on some time ago. Really, YUTOPIA is based off of my last name. The name first came to me way back when I was tinkering with RedHat Linux and needed a domain name. As with most things in college, it seemed clever at the time.

Initially, YUTOPIA was running on Blogger, but thanks to Shaya Potter’s uprgading of YUCS it was time to move on. At the time of the move, YUTOPIA had over 4,000 hits – mostly thanks to Protocols R.I.P.) – and a few other very odd poogle links. On October 20, 2003, YUTOPIA moved to YUCS where it has remained since. Since that time we’ve gone through a few redesigns and some other improvements.

YUTOPIA is a small sample of the many thoughts which run through my head on any given day. I may get intellectual, personal, or shticky. My general attitude has been that there is a lot of stupidity on the internet and I don’t really need to add to that. However, I usually bring a unique perspective on things which some people find interesting. I realize not everyone will agree with everything on here, if they leave here thinking a little more than they did previously, I’m happy.

So that’s the scoop. Take a look around, stay as long as you like, and feel free to comment – we’ve had some great flame-free discussions in the past, e-mail or IM anytime.
Enjoy!

I’m still not able to put up a complete summary of the yamim noraim here, but I do have one story. As you could probably guess, there aren’t too many frum Jews on the U of C campus. Also, several of the regulars headed “up north” for Yom Kippur which diminished our talent pool even further.

Just how short-handed were we?

I davened neilah.

Yes, you read that right. On shabbat shuva, we realized that one of the regulars – who would normally take a tefillah or two – was probably not going to make it in for Yom Kippur. So, we divided up who would get what and I got neilah. I never thought I’d say this, but for a small second, I actually regretted not taking a Belz class.

My plan for Erev Yom Kippur was to go to the University’s Library to see if they had anything useful in their recordings collection. This was far more eventful than it should have been. First the library didn’t open until 12:00, and the recordings desk didn’t open until 1:00. On top of that, the search engine was down so I couldn’t even see if they had anything available.

Finally, I got the call number for this CD which seems like a live recording of an actual reform service complete with mixed chior and organ accompaniment. I wouldn’t have minded this so much, but they didn’t even use a normal nusach. (Carlebach’s simha l’artzekha for n’ilah????) I didn’t realize at the time that they also had this one which probably would have been more helpful. Still, kudos to U of C for actually having these CDs in their recordings library in the first place.

In the end, I think it went well. I love the acoustics in the chapel and we had enough ventilation such that it didn’t feel stuffy (which wreaks havok with my voice). Although I think I butchered the official nusach, I was able to fake enough of it such that no one seemed to mind and some actually liked the davening. (Oh – and no one seemed to care that I’m not married or that I don’t have a beard).

The Jewish community here is small and very special. Hopefully I can write more about it in a longer post on the yamim noraim sometime before pesach.

As I wrote in the title, this is my “sometimes” updated blog. I’ve tried to keep the posts here intelligent and/or humerous and to post only when I had something to say, or more importantly, the time to say it. There’s the rub. This week I am finally moving to Chicago and trying to get the student loans and finances in order. It’s an exciting opportunity, but terribly nerve-wracking. At any rate, I doubt I will be able to blog until after I’m done moving and things calm down.

Also, I have been told that the new YUCS machine is in, and assuming I can get a redesign done, I will be moving the blog over there. Not that I have anything wrong with Blogger, but MoveableType is a more powerful system which includes a superior commenting system than what I’m using now (not that I get so many comments, but just in case…).

So, by the time I post again, I’ll be in a new state on a new server.

“Turn and face the strange” indeed.

After four years of courses, shiurim, tests, and papers, I finally have the authorization to call myself “Rabbi.” My Revel transcript has all the classes and confirmation of passing the comps and official graduation will be forthcoming. This is however close enough to say I completed my requirements for smikha according to R. Bronstein – the only opinion which matters at this point.

So, now I’m a Rabbi. Technically this is my second smikha if you count this one, but considering how I helped write the “behina,” I don’t think people would take it seriously that I gave myself smikha. (Not like there are any other problems or anything).

I’m still busy with moving from NY to NJ and from NJ to Chicago and setting things straight with the program. So instead of actually thinking, and in honor of smikha, this week I’ll be doing the blogging equvilant of a “clip show” and post some of my more “classic” works from the past four years.

I figure I should show I did something all this time…