As word gets around of my proficiency and legality in performing weddings I’ve been getting more questions about the laws of weddings and keeping track of everything which is required. I complied a checklist for the first wedding I officiated and I’ve already needed to forward much of the contents a few times to other people asking similar questions. So once again as a combination of personal convenience and public service, I give to you the Jewish Wedding Checklist.
I’m going to assume that you have the big things like a wedding date, a hall, F.L.O.P.1 (or F.L.O.P.S2 as the case may be) taken care of and I’m going to focus on the aspects relating to the actual marriage ceremony. Note that some of the things will be taken care of by the mesader kiddushin or the caterer/wedding hall. While this should be useful in preparing for the ceremony and knowing what to expect, all halakhic matters should be discussed with your mesader kiddushin.
IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS
MARRIAGE LICENSE – Not halakhic but definitely required. Double check the laws in your state to make sure everything is nice and legal.
T’NAIM – This is basically a preliminary contract saying that any pre-wedding arrangements (mostly financial) between the families have been fulfilled. It is not halakhically required and if one family’s side isn’t Jewish, it’s kind of pointless and can be safely ignored.3 You can often pick this up in a set with the Ketuvah.
KETUVAH – The traditional Jewish marriage contract. Contrary to the actual text of the Ketuvah, most people use a traditional form with the mesader kiddushin filling in the blanks at the wedding itself.4 Regardless if you’re using a form or having one custom made, both the bride and hatan should know exactly what the ketuvah says. Prepared rabbis will bring a backup just in case.
HALAKHIC PRENUPTIAL – This is not a typical financial prenup (that’s really the ketuvah), but a binding arbitration agreement to a particular bet din in the event one party requests a divorce. While this is not a halakhic requirement, it is gradually becoming standard practice among Orthodox rabbis to require it and assumed to be a Good Thing. This is the text of the RCA’s version (PDF), but in theory you could choose another bet din. I have heard conflicting opinions as to the legal validity and enforceability of this prenup, so you might want to consult a legal professional.
PROGRAM – This is completely optional, but it is common and generally a good idea to have a program explaining everything that goes on at the wedding and why especially for your non-religious or non-Jewish guests. Also a prime opportunity for shtick.
ITEMS
RING – The basic rules are that it should not have a stone and the hatan has to have complete ownership of the ring. Meaning, the ring cannot be on loan, or if it is an heirloom from the bride’s family it must be given over unconditionally to the hatan such that there is no expectation that he would have to return it. Rings purchased with credit cards should be fine. Most rings do not have writing on them, but it is generally not as much of a problem as having a stone in the ring.
WHITE WINE AND CUPS – The reason for the wine being white should be obvious, but surprisingly people forget the need to have a cup under the huppa.
KITTEL – Worn by the hatan.
BREAKING GLASS – Wrapped up in a towel of some sort. Usually this is provided, but if it isn’t use one of the glasses from the huppa.5 Note to hatan: use your heel.
T’NAIM PLATE – There is a custom for bride’s and hatan’s mothers to break a plate jointly after the t’naim are signed. There is an added custom to give out the broken pieces to single women as a “segulah” to get married. This is also expendable, especially if you’re not having the t’naim.
PEOPLE
This is a list of important people you’ll be needing for the wedding. To be more precise, these are tasks people will have and in some cases one person can take on multiple responsibilities. They are generally considered to be honors given to family members, close friends, or otherwise prestigious guests. I suggest a backup/reserve list in case people are late or cancel last minute.
The witnesses must be kosher. We generally do not have a formal inquisition into their religious lifestyle, but in general we expect them to be minimally shomer shabbat and kashrut and not know explicitly anything which would disqualify them. Also, one set of witnesses cannot have men who are immediately related. If you have any questions on specifics, consult your mesader kiddushin.
The requirements for kosher witnesses are essential for the ketuvah and kiddushin. For other roles like the blessings, we do not have the same standard, but I suggest you have people who are comfortable speaking Hebrew (or give novices the shorter blessings). If need be, you could also prepare transliterations.
3 SETS OF WITNESSES – KOSHER MEN, NON-RELATIVES
KETUVAH – Sign the document
KIDDUSHIN – Stand under the huppa and observe the hatan giving over the ring
YIHUD – Observe the couple entering the yihud room
14 FOR BLESSINGS
7 – Under huppa. Just have to be Jewish and should be able to read Hebrew or at least get the words out of a transliteration.
7 – After benching (preferably a kohen for the first one), same rules as above.
OTHERS
MC – Guy stands by huppa and announces who is coming up for what. Also helps track down people and tells them what they’re doing both at the huppa and other honors for the 7 berachot. He should have your list of honorees beforehand.
KETUVAH READER – preferably someone who has done it before and is comfortable reading straight Aramaic (and not me).
SHOMER / SHOMERET – Friend who acts as a shadow on the day of (or week before) the wedding. Helps keep the bride and groom sane, useful for the details which can get overlooked, and can run interference if need be.
DECENT SINGER – Not an obligation, but most people have someone singing under the huppa. Find someone with decent voice to basically sing as an accompaniment to the hatan and bride.
MESADER KIDDUSHIN – Your friendly neighborhood Rabbi-man.
And that’s basically it. I have a summary of the wedding procedure as well, but I editorialized way too much in there such that it would take a while to sanitize appropriately. In the meantime, this should be a useful enough guideline for prospective couples already stressed out with everything involved in wedding planning. Also note that this follows the traditional Ashkenazi customs and that Sephardim have their own traditions for which to account.6
Oh, and Mazal Tov!
1. Somehow the convention became that the bride’s side pays for everything except Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer.
2. F.L.O.P plus Sheitels. Don’t even ask.
3. While both sides should have their respective obligations fulfilled beforehand, the t’naim are usually signed at the wedding itself and by that time, such a contract is generally moot. Hazal never required such a document and its absence certainly does not invalidate the wedding.
4. Helpful suggestion: use a black pen.
5. Funny story: A cousin of mine asked my dad if it had to be a glass or if it could also be a light bulb. My father said a light bulb would be fine. My cousin then asked, “what wattage?” Seriously though, years ago they would use discarded flashbulbs from the photographer’s camera so there is some historical merit to the question.
6. Thanks to Joe for the reminder.
Good work on the list. I figured out most of your eitzahs on the fly… posting this list back in June could’ve saved me quite a few headaches.
Two additions that I think any such list should have: a GOOD shomer for the chosson and shomeres for the kallah. Not only will the shomer and shomeres keep a close eye out for evil spirits and nieces looking to grab at you with sticky hands, but they are of immeasurable value when it comes to explaining proceedings to friends/relatives who have never attended a frum wedding, keeping track of your personal items, making sure relatives don’t harass you when you want to daven, and taking care of all the little thing that you moronically think you’re going to be able to do on the day itself (so says the girl who decided to start cooking at 1am the morning of…).
Seriously. My shomeret saved me from committing an aveira the day before the wedding (without even trying), and if not for my husband’s shomer the wedding ring would’ve been locked on the wrong-side of the yichud room door during the ceremony. Everyone should have a good shomer/shomeres.
Good point – Duly added.
That’s a great list! I too would like to add you need someone
to help move things along a manager of some kind. Usually the caterer does this but you may find (escpecially if your bringing one from outside) that the wedding doesn’t flow prpoerly and things end up running late etc. I really got a kick out of the singer mention. I wish more people would take that advice…
FYI: Kibudim list: http://www.noachklein.com/KibudimList.pdf
Josh: Nu, I don’t get a footnote giving me credit?
J.B.: Most halls have a manager who performs this function. Before relying on the hall’s manager, though, a couple should crash another wedding at the hall to see his skills in action.
I’d suggest including a hammer for hitting the T’naim plate. You get a much more predictable (and safe) breakage that way.
Also, this might not fit in your framework, but with the sort of energetic dancing that goes on at Jewish weddings, there should be a great deal of water available.
I think that red wine is halakhically preferable (al teire yayin ki yisadom), although the Mishnah Berurah says that pink wine is good enough. When I walked down the aisle, got to my chuppah and saw white wine, I told my mesader kiddushin that I would go and get some red wine. He told me not to.
Isaac – I always found it funny how it’s hardest to break plates when you’re actually trying.
Gil – Should even the smallest bit of red wine drip onto the wedding dress, another pasuk would apply: Motzei ani mar mi-mavet et ha’isha. I think that one wins in this case.
I always found it funny how it’s hardest to break plates when you’re actually trying.
Good point. I suppose the mothers could get a pretty high probability of breakage by dropping the poor thing from a decent height, but it would be more difficult to control the spread of the shards, and it might just seem wrong that they’re relying on gravity to do the dirty work.
You forgot a few things:
To inform those getting brachot or other kibbudim ahead of time, so that they won’t respond to being called up with the faux gestures of humility (“who me?”) and that they will be reasonably close to the chuppah. Otherwise, they’ll try to extricate themselves from the middle of the back row of the hall where they have invariably been sitting. Some of those getting the Kibbudim may also need a sefer to hold as a prop.
The candles for the parents of the chatan and kallah to walk down with, for those Mitnagdim who have sold out to this Chassidish custom.
A pre-written note to the MC to announce that all cell phones should be turned off.
Not all ashkenazim wear kittels. My father for instance…
Other things you might want to have on your list:
STD Test. Some states require Std tests before giving couples thier marriage lisense.
A notary public. Again, some states need your license to be notarized.
Check all relevant state laws about marriage in your area. Really, don’t show up right before the wedding and realize that you need to go running around for a notary public or something crazy like that.
And does anyone beyond me think the ketubah should be read aloud in english? Or better yet, is it possible to make a similar translation of the ketubah, with the halachic prenup in it, and sign it with witnesses and notarize it (check a lawyer about that). It just always struck me as both halachically and legally strange to seperate the two documents?
Keep a waterbottle around, and make sure there is food in the yichud room. Make sure the couple (if ashkenazi and are able to fast) drink water afterwards!!!
Nice thing to do: When I went to a wedding in Israel, the bride ™said a prayer for agunot…seems like a good time for that.
FInally…not everyone in this world is surround with lots of orthodox friends, or lots of male friends. Find out what honors you can give to women and not orthodox people around. Everything from having a learned female friend read a ketubah, to your not jewish college roommate holding one of the poles of your chuppah.
This is getting a little further afield, but anyway:
I was at a wedding recently at which the M’sader read a partial (and labeled as such) translation of the k’tuvah after it was read in Aramaic. The translation was limited to general language about his duties to her and her duties to him, and excluded all particulars about zuzim, shirts, etc. I thought it was a nice way to do it.
Good list!
1) Don’t forget to list the chuppah itself, and it has to have a “roof”. I was at a wedding recently where the hall provided a chuppah which had no “roof” (it was poles wrapped in lace and flowers, but nothing above the heads of the people standing in the center of the chuppah. The chuppah ceremony had already begun when someone pointed out this “problem”, and the ceremony was paused for 10 minutes while the caterer got a large white tablecloth to drape over the poles.
2) Your “14 FOR BLESSINGS” says “Just have to be Jewish…”. Perhaps you should specify that they need to be men (as you did with the 3 pairs of witnesses). I don’t know the fundamental halachos on this matter, but using only men to make the berachos is certainly the “norm”.
3) Ketuvah: You might want to point out that after the chuppah ceremony it is VERY important for the couple to entrust their ketuvah with someone (like one of the mothers). I know more than one couple who “lost” their ketuvah during the course of their wedding, and could not go home together after the wedding until they located it (or had a new one written).
This might be way out of the realm….
What is required of the people getting married and are there any special things to do/consider.
He : Jewish by birth, but never had a Bar Mitzvah. Would one be needed before the wedding?
She: Converted when she was 10, and did do her Bat Mitzvah. Is there anything special that needs to be done/changed due to this?
Which kibudim go the bride’s side and which to the groom’ side? i.e. reading the ketubah, msader kidushin, witnesses etc.
Mark – There is no set rule for which side picks people for specific kibbudim. I think convention somehow developed that the groom’s side picks the mesader kiddushin, but this is hardly an absolute. My understanding is that these are some of the many things that the hatan and kallah need to work out for themselves and come to the necessary compromises.
As frustrating as the process may be it’s also a good exercise in conflict management – an essential foundation for a healthy marriage.
What roles can you have your female friends play in an Orthodox wedding ceremony (other than being a bridesmaid)?
Lauren – As a matter of strict halakha, women can have more active roles in an Orthodox ceremony. For example, there’s no reason why a woman couldn’t read the ketuvah under the huppa, a point to which R. Herschel Schachter tactlessly agreed. Along these lines, I don’t see why a woman couldn’t address the bride and groom under the huppa either.
However, by convention women do not take on more active roles in the religious area. Assuming a couple would like to have more women active, I would suggest consulting the mesader kiddushin for halakhic guidance and his comfort level.
Even if the M.K. approves I would also suggest that each couple should gauge for themselves to what degree they wish be viewed as doing something “strange” not just in terms of the larger Jewish community, but for the family and guests in attendance.
As alternatives, I’ve seen women be invited to hold up the poles of the huppa and I usually try to have women sign the marriage license.