If you’re Jewish and single, odds are you’ve been hit with one of the most annoying brachot ever invented:
“Im yirtzeh hashem (God willing) by you” (IYH)
Some go through comical measures to avoid this phrase. For her younger sister’s wedding, Sarah made a T-Shirt saying, “No No, Im Yirtzeh Hashem by YOU!” From what I recall her telling me, it worked nicely.
When I was in Gruss, my havruta got engaged and I had to endure my share of IYH’s. Noticing my apparent disapproval, one kollel wife said, “Oh, you should be happy! It’s a bracha!” Not wanting to discuss the matter, I nodded, smiled, and went on my merry way.
Not long afterward, I was at a shabbat meal with the same kollel wife. Somehow in the context of the conversation, I said IYH regarding someone having children. 1
Instead of accepting this bracha, the incredulous kollel wife said, “You know, you really shouldn’t say things like that.”
“Why not? Isn’t it a bracha?”
“Yes, but you don’t know…maybe there’s a reason why they don’t have kids.”
“Maybe there’s a reason why I’m not married.”
“Look, you just shouldn’t.”
I could have countered that if IYH is indeed a bracha, then it should be welcomed in all cases. I was not nagging, “nu, when are we going to have some nachas,” but “if God wills it, it should happen” – a perfectly “frum” theological blessing. However, by this point in the year I had learned not to engage in logical arguments with the typical YU kollel wife, so I dropped the subject.
Since then, I’ve asked several people if there is a difference between saying IYH to a single person looking to get married or a married person who is trying to have children. Both deal with highly personal and emotional struggles, yet IYH is socially acceptable in one context and apparently reviled in another.
In this highly unscientific study, I found that most women instinctively see a difference, but few could articulate what that would be. One person related to me stories of friends of hers who have struggled with miscarriages and fertility clinics, emphasizing the myriad of problems that couples face. Since one never knows what a couple goes through, even an IYH could prove to be traumatic.
I do not wish to minimize the struggles that people go through in either area. My problem, and one of my biggest pet peeves, is hypocrisy. If you truly believe that IYH is a bracha and will be accepted as such, fine. If you find it offensive in some cases, then that would indicate that you don’t really believe it’s a true bracha. I suspect the latter to be true in most cases.
For some reason, many are under the impression that singles have no feelings. We can mockingly throw out an IYH with little regard to what a person goes through. It’s like a cultural hazing process that only ends when you get married. Apparently, it’s only then where a person’s private life is “off limits” from the teases of the community.
So before you throw out another IYH by you – even as a joke – first to think about how it’s going to be received by the other person. It’s possible they might not be offended, and it’s possible that they might accept it wholeheartedly. But it’s also possible that you could strike a sensitive nerve and add more to a person’s anguish. If you’re not sure yourself, think if you would personally say it to a married couple who is trying to have children.
The point is that maybe it’s time to reevaluate commonly accepted phrases. Maybe we’re actually hurting people with words which aren’t as well intentioned as they sound. Maybe we should take the time to think about how our words affect other people, even when they’re socially conditioned. Maybe if we can do this, we can try to reverse the mentalities of what caused the hurban in the first place.
Im yirtzeh hashem by us all.
1. I don’t remember the details if it was to the specific person there, or about someone else not at the table.
A friend of mine would say Bezrat Hashem, with the thought that Hashem wants and the bracha is for his help. It would be interesting to see the results if this was added to the informal poll.
Regarding Sarah making a T-shirt to combat the “soon by yous”–I have the perfect answer. I learned this after my younger brother got engaged and married before me.
“B’sha’ah tovah”
This comment made me laugh out loud: “…I learned not to engage in logical arguments with the typical YU kollel wife..”
Its discussions like this that make me regret the fact that Dani will likely never be a kollel wife, although she did have a glorious run as a kollel fiance.
I am not the friend to which Mendy was referring (though I’m sure we could be friends if we met). But I did insist that the invitation to my wedding said “the wedding will take place, B’EZRAT HASHEM…” HASHEM already told us that he is Rotzeh. That’s why marriage and child-bearing are Mitzvot.
The difference between the IYH for a single and IYH for an infertile mother is that one has a social difficulty and the other a physical. I am not saying that one is more distressing than the other but in “theory” eveeryone is marriageable, even at old ages. Medical theory may state that a particular woman CANNOT have children, which is much more finite. Also, I doubt anyone has ever told a single person “YOU CANNOT EVER GET MARRIED.”
All of this, of course, is only a theory at why the hypocrisy might exist. As you said, one should always take into account the person they are talking to. Perhaps if HAHU GAVRA new how important Bar Kamtza’s social status was to him, or if Bar Kamtza had known how hateful HAHU GAVRA was, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. Well, I’d still be where I am ;-) but at least I could have a corn beef sandwich for lunch!
If you think that’s tough, you should try arguing with a Drisha Kollel wife!
Putting aside the factor of insensitivity, doesn’t it strike anyone as bizarre as to the meaning of the phrase?
“Im yirtzeh Hashem” ? If G-d wants it. How is this a blessing? It sounds more like a statement of desperate hope. What makes more sense is b?ezrat Hashem, but people use the two phrases interchangeably. Saying “IYH by you”, is like telling someone, “You?ll get married someday too, if G-d lets you.” Wow! What a lovely thing to tell someone!
AB
Even though this is slightly off topic, I heard a lovely dvar torah. The Rav brought up the analogy of shiduchim being compared to kriat yam suf – the splitting of the Red Sea. Everyone understands this to mean that bringing two people together to make a compatable shiduch is as hard as splitting the yam suf.
But what he said, the new twist, is that it’s easy to bring them together, the hard part is staying together. What’s harder, splitting it or letting the water go back together? I don’t remember details but it fit nicely with what he was saying.
I don’t think there’s an offense in the “IYH by you” phrase, but it’s understandable why people would be sensitive. I think that it’s different for marrieds and singles because the marrieds feel like they could be doing something more, that it’s their fault, while the singles are doing their best and it’s “obviously” only up to Hashem to bring them and their bashert together. Maybe marrieds are more sensitive because there’s so much involved – including relying only on Hashem.
If you think the person might be happy being single at that moment, or for the rest of their life, by all means don’t say it. But most singles carry on about how much they want to get married.
Whereas, you can’t just assume that married people w/o kids are necessarily unhappy or in a rush to have children. They may take the attitude, whatever god sends. Saying iyh by you may to you just imply that they should be zoche to be m’kayem the mitzva of pru u’rvu, but for most people, it implies that the couple is actively unhappy – and they may not be. You can’t know if they’re unhappy with not having children yet unless they’ve told you that, so it tends to come off as offensive.
I have a shiduch related question: Who checks the refs? If someone suggests a shiduch to you, not really knowing you but “feeling” that it might click between you and someone else they don’t know much about either, do you personally call the refs or get a friend/parent or even “prof shadchan” to do it? Is it unacceptable to do it yourself? Different for girls and boys?
[I apologize in advance if you don’t like this clogging your blog.]
As an “aging” (mid-20s) single-by-choice, I’m frequently subjected to the “Im Yirtzeh Hashem By You” treatment (although it usually sounds more like “mitzishem bah-yoo,” to which I typically answer “gezuntheit”), which is really the most annoying “bracha” I’ve ever heard. I prefer the one a recently-engaged friend of mine offers: “Brucha Tehi,” which has a much more melifluous and non-condescending ring to it.
If people are being quite serious rather than joking when saying “IYH by you” could it not very well indicate that they themselves are looking forward to your having a schiduch? I mean, some members of my mishpoche sometimes express their worries as to the fact that I have not (yet) got engaged or married. By saying their IYH they convey their wish and project it on someone else’s situation, which could become uncomfortable or even grievous if the person addressed at the momenthas no (independent) intention towards getting married.
I think anon had a great point above, and it also explains why many singles can’t stand it when people say it. It implies that he/she is unhappy with their single life, that they’re hoping to get out of this undesirable state of being. No doubt many are, but to presume it about us all is just wrong. Even if we are looking to get married, it doesn’t mean we’re not happy with our lives. When people say “IYH by you” the sentiment that is often being expressed is, “Don’t worry – thinks will pick up for you soon, hopefully.” That’s just plain condescending.
that’s fine avi. But the same people who whine about how miserable they are being single, and how their married friends don’t understand how miserable they are, also turn around and say “hey, don’t say IY”H by you.”
If you’ve not whined like that, then people shouldn’t make assumptions. If you have, this is just another excuse to whine and blame a hostile society.
This whole discussion just points to the fact that we need to be more careful about the language that we use, and be sensitive to the unique needs of the individual. Since we can’t know what people need to hear, we need to do our best to be encouraging, without sounding condescending. Now, given, I don’t know exactly how to do that, but as a single, I don’t like the possibility that God might want me to remain so for the rest of my life. By the other hand, I feel no rush to be married to the wrong person. So what I would prefer is that people not say anything to me at all about my single status unless they’ve got something specific to recommend, like a blind date. “I wish I knew someone for you,” while it’s not a particularly Jewish phrase, hurts just as much as “im yirtzeh hashem by you.” There’s more to me than just someone who’s single, and if I manage to forget that I’m single for five seconds at a wedding, the last thing I need is to have someone remind me and pity me.
More than you wanted, I know…
Singles also need to learn to lighten up and credit the good intentions of the speaker. This business of viewing well-meaning people as hostile, uncaring, insensitive…there isn’t that much that anyone can say that will be just right, unless they know you very well. Some people are more tactful than others. But in the end, who are you mad at? Did the person saying “iy”h by you” make you single? Prevent you from getting married, somehow? Are they really responsible for your feelings?
The truth is that people say similarly unhelpful things to many people in other situations, but when people are overall happier, they brush it off and take it in the spirit it was intended. The attitude here says a lot about how singles feel generally…and somewhat, it also highlights why some people are having a hard time getting married. Stop asking society to change for you, and people to consider you, and give other people a break too, and consider *them*.
Josh, don’t worry, be happy. Be happy now! dodooodoodoodoodoodooddoododoo doodoodoodoodoo
As a single myself,I have also been victim or a recipient of such a statement/phrase/bracha. At first I sorta didn’t know what to do with that IY’H that they would throw my way. After 27 years, though, I sorta came to the realization that G-D knows exactly what he’s doing and when the time is right, and we are deserving of such a bracha, it will come our way. And I also reasoned that when pple do throw ‘IY’H by you’ your way they only have the best intentions at heart. It’s what you do with that phrase/statement/bracha that makes a difference (as with anything in life). You could let it annoy you and get to your core, or let it make you stronger and more persistent in your search (but I think you knew that already, its just some pple need to hear it from time to time. I know I do)
If life hands you a lemon………..make lemonade!!! Good Luck
I know this comment is coming very late, but regarding Danny’s post:
“The difference between the IYH for a single and IYH for an infertile mother is that one has a social difficulty and the other a physical. I am not saying that one is more distressing than the other but in “theory” everyone is marriageable, even at old ages. Medical theory may state that a particular woman CANNOT have children, which is much more finite. Also, I doubt anyone has ever told a single person ‘YOU CANNOT EVER GET MARRIED.'”
As a gay frum Jew, I’ve definfately been told that I can never get married.