YUTOPIA

The topic of "tzniut" or "modesty" has recently become a prominent point of discussion in the Jewish community, mostly in response recent incidents of religious violence in Israel (some of which we covered in the previous class on Religious Coercion). Recent essays by Rabbi Dov Linzer in the New York Times, Rabbi Aryeh Klapper for a Rabbinical Council of America blog, and an earlier one by Rabbi Marc Angel for The Institute for Jewish Ideas and Ideals have all attempted to present a more "moderate" view from what is often conveyed by Orthodox Jewish society.

But the common theme in these essays, and indeed what dominates the discussion of Jewish modesty, is almost exclusively framing the issue in the context of women. In particular, modesty is most frequently defined in terms of how women ought to dress, how a woman is supposed to behave, and in some general instances the appropriate role of women in Jewish if not secular society. With this focus on women, it is not surprising that tzniut/modesty is almost exclusively construed as a sexual ethic.

In this shiur I challenge this assumption by approaching the topic of modesty not from the socially defined understanding of tzniut, but rather how and when the root "צנע" is used in the Talmud. While the term is certainly used in the context of female sexuality or displays of femininity (B. Ketuvot 3b, B. Berachot 8b, B. Shabbat 113b, B. Sotah 49b), the Rabbinic tradition also applies tzniut to men as it pertains to his relationship with his wife (B. Shabbat 53b) and his mode of dress (B. Menachot 43a). Furthermore, the ethic of tzniut is asserted in the contexts of going to the bathroom (B. Berachot 8b, 62a), eating (B. Berachot 8b), not displaying one's wealth (B. Pesachim 113a), and even religious observance (M. Ma'aser Sheni 5:1, B. Sukkah 49b/B. Makkot 24a). (These and additional sources are in the attached source sheet with a modified Soncino translation.)

Given the contextual range of the root צנע, I suggest that tzniut in the Rabbinic tradition may best be described not as a sexual ethic at all (let alone a female one), but a general attitude of behavior of which sexual behavior is only one component. In other words, the true Jewish ethos of modesty does not exclusively pertain to sexuality, but rather reflects a universal ethic, one which is equally applicable to men and women in all facets of life.

Current Jewish Questions 2 - Tzniut / Modesty Sources (PDF)

Current Jewish Questions 2 - Tzniut-Modesty

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

With the topic of tznius/modesty buzzing around the Orthodox Jewish world I wanted to share a brief but personally significant story from my rabbinical school days. In 2001-2002 I was in my third year of semikhah and fortunate enough to study in Yeshiva University's Gruss Kollel in Bayit Vegan. It is perhaps one of the most unappreciated perk of YU's rabbinical school in that accepted students pay they way to Israel but get free room and board, allowing for greater focus for one's studies.¹ The dorms are not what you'd consider "new" with relatively thin walls, thinner doors and apartments stacked on top of each other,[2.Yes, I know that's how apartments work, just using an expression.] My year of the 30 or so students only 9 were single, while the rest were married rabbinical students, some with children.

One day after our regular Yoreh Deah class, the Rosh Yeshiva called us in to give us some mussar. There was a concern that husbands and wives from other couples were socializing excessively with each other. After all, the Torah teaches "Be Holy" (Lev. 19:2 which Ramban interprets as "הוו פרושים מן העריות ומן העבירה" - separate yourself from illicit behavior and sin, and so forth.

I will stress here that I am/was unaware of any incident which could be classified in any way as inappropriate. Most of the kollel couples knew each other before coming and the relatively cloistered environment would understandably lead to inter-socialization. And even the Rosh Yeshiva had mentioned that he wasn't responding to anything in particular, but was just making a general observation and expressing a concern.

Strictly speaking, this concern is not entirely unjustified. M. Avot 1:5 states explicitly, "Do not talk excessively with women. This was said about one's own wife; how much more so about the wife of one's neighbor" and B. Nedarim 20a explains that it is because this speech will lead to adultery.

Something else occurred to me at that time. The audience here consisted of rabbinical students who would at some point venture into communities as actual rabbis, which at some point would entail talking to women. One would hope that rabbis ought to be able to converse with female constituents without viewing them as sex objects, and if there were any doubt on this point then perhaps they ought not remain rabbinical students. If there was any concern of the moral integrity of the future rabbis of America, then perhaps we had bigger problems on our hands.

But it also occurred to me that it is precisely because of the nature of our profession that this mussar was appropriate. Most professional rabbis have countless interactions with congregants or students. If a rabbi is particularly outgoing or friendly, it is not inconceivable for a conversation to be interpreted in a way other than what was intended.² In short, if interpersonal boundaries are important for Jews, they are much more so for professional rabbis.

I do not know if this was the message the Rosh Yeshiva actually intended, but it was an important lesson nonetheless.

I just received the following email from the Rabbinical Council of America, copied and pasted below.
continue reading...

At times it seems that the Orthodox rabbinate has little more to contribute to the world of Jewish ideas than proclamations declaring who is, or more precisely who is not, "Orthodox." Consider a few recent examples. This past summer Rabbi Yosef Kanefsky wrote a blog post (since removed) discussing his aversion to reciting the daily blessing shelo asani isha, thanking God for not having made him a woman. In response, Rabbi Dov Fischer castigated R. Kanefsky and the community he represents as, "propagating their views without being subjected to scrutiny and critique by those committed to a Mesorah-driven frumkeit" [emphasis added]. In other words, R. Kanefsky's halakhic opinion is not part of the genuine "mesorah/tradition," which R. Fischer apparently does possess. Another writer echoes R. Fischer sentiment more explicitly, "In my view this not only takes Rabbi Kanefsky out of the realm of Orthodoxy, it firmly puts him into the realm of Conservative Judaism."
continue reading...

Rabbi Josh Yuter concludes the Politics of Exclusion shiur series with a general discussion incorporating and previous classes. Many thanks for following!

Politics of Exclusion - Conclusion and Summary

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I first heard the term "gadolatry" attributed to the late professor Arthur Hertzberg. A portmanteau of "gadol" and "idolatry," the word "gadolatry" refers to a perceived phenomenon in Orthodox Judaism where select rabbinic leaders are treated with a degree of deference or reverence, bordering on worshipping the person of the rabbi himself. That Dr. Hertzberg would coin such an inflammatory term is not surprising given his personality, such that reactions offense or outrage are as intentional as they are predictable. However, it has been my experience that those strong passions on either side have turned the reasonable question of the role of the gadol in Judaism into the single greatest impediment to intelligent religious discourse in the Orthodox Jewish community.

While I have no expectations of resolving this divisive issue, I do hope to explicate the rationales implied when one invokes a gadol, and why others may find such an argument unconvincing.
continue reading...

There are few topics in Jewish society which can simultaneously evoke rage, empathy, and unsolicited opinions and advice as Jewish dating. To take just one example, my statistical analysis of dating prospects drew approval from other frustrated singles, criticism for contradicting the positive experiences of others, and suggestions as to other sites to try and even a few specific set-up offers. Aside from the blog posts here and elsewhere, there are numerous books on the world of Jewish dating including "Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures," which ironically can be added to your wedding registry.

To be sure, I've done my share of personal reflections as a single - after all it's great blog fodder. Longtime loyal readers may recall such classics as The Harm in Being Nice, Waiting on a Friend, The Mind of a Matchmaker , and Top 10 Dating Questions - all of which for the most part still holds up today. And I've been guilty of offering my own Guide to Jewish Dating and another one specifically for online dating sites. But fast forward several years, countless women, forgettable dates, even more encouragement, criticism, and unsolicited advice, I am still single. However in the past few years serving as a Rabbi I've also gained a much better perspective. While my community attracts young Jews, it is by no means a "scene" which means there is significantly less communal pressure for single's to get married. Furthermore, I have personally adopted a "no dating congregants" policy, meaning my religious communal experience of synagogue attendance is uncharacteristically devoid of any pretense of trying to impress women.

Thus I write from the relatively unique perspective of being a single rabbi - aware of the struggles of others while experiencing the same challenges first hand. Consider it unintentional participant observation if you will. And with this dual perspective I have come to the following conclusion: the so-called "shidduch crisis" is a collection of myths which only exacerbate the social pressures and anxieties at the core of the Jewish single's community, specifically the denial of individuation.
continue reading...

Synagogue politics are rarely pleasant but they're often necessary to ensure a functioning congregation and to provide protections from hostile takeovers. Personally I've always been content to just show up to shul, daven, and go home, but just because you're oblivious to the legalese of official documents in no way mitigates their importance. Having a constitution and explicit rules is crucial for defining expectations but also for conflict resolution should disputes arise.

For better or worse, few people have ever read their shul's constitution - assuming the synagogue even has one. To understand the political issues a synagogue faces, consider the following proposed draft constitution from the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale (PDF).

I'm not going to go through the entire document, though if you've never read a constitution it's probably worthwhile to note the issues the constitution seeks to address. I have no idea what the current constitution states and which passages are new or emendations to a previous document. Still, two passages are notable for their current implications.

Here's one example:

FORMS, INTERPRETATION AND AFFILIATION: The Congregation shall follow the forms, practices, and usages of an orthodox interpretation of Judaism committed to Halacha and may affiliate itself with the Union of Orthodox Congregations of America.

Given the HIR's reputation for envelope pushing the constitution allows for a seemingly wide berth. That the HIR is expected to follow "an orthodox interpretation" implies that there is there is no uniform "Orthodox" institution let alone a singular orthodox interpretation (note the use of lowercase for "orthodox."). Furthermore, the HIR's affiliation with the Orthodox Union is optional - it is one possible sign of orthodox affiliation. In theory, HIR could leave the OU or simply adopt contradictory policies without violating its constitution. As long as the HIR can show that it is "committed to Halacha" - however they define it - they will still be within their constitutional mission.

The next passage reflects the social progressiveness of the HIR, and I would not be surprised if The Organization for the Resolution of Agunot campaigns synagogues to adopt similar policies:

SUSPENSION OF BENEFITS FOR RECALCITRANT SPOUSES:
Notwithstanding any other provision of these By-Laws, one who withholds issuance or receipt of a Get shall (a) be ineligible for membership in the Congregation, if not yet a member; (b) have his or her membership immediately suspended if such withholding occurs while a member of the Congregation; (c) not be permitted to occupy, or if elected, to retain any appointed or elective position in the Congregation; (d) not be permitted to serve as an employee of the Congregation; and (e) not be given any honor or recognition, or be granted any right or privilege or participation within liturgical services on any occasion whatsoever.

This Section shall apply only to the following situation:
1. Where a married couple has either separated in contemplation of a divorce and been living apart for a year or been granted a civil divorce,
2. One of the parties has filed for issuance of a civil divorce,
3. One of the parties has made a verifiable, formal written request for the unconditional termination of the marriage by execution and receipt of a Get, and
4. The other party has refused to comply with the request of a Get and has not appeared before a beth din recommended by the Senior Rabbi or the beth din’s designee to explain this non-compliance within three (3) months following the fulfillment of the prior three conditions.

If after the allegedly recalcitrant party appears before a beth din, the beth din rules that sanctions should not be adopted, or should be adopted in a modified fashion, then the ruling of the beth din shall be determinative in this matter. The actual or potential application of this Section to a member shall not prevent the member from being suspended or expelled by the Board of
Trustees pursuant to Section 4 of Article II.

Note that this passage refers to withholding either the issuance or receipt of a get such that it does not automatically assume the husband is automatically in the wrong by default.

If you find any particularly interesting passages for discussion, please comment below!

On May 23 2011 several prominent Orthodox Jewish organizations issued a joint statement declaring their opposition to legalizing same sex-marriage. The brief statement is as follows:

On the issue of legalizing same-sex marriage, the Orthodox Jewish world speaks with one voice, loud and clear:

We oppose the redefinition of the bedrock relationship of the human family.

The Torah, which forbids homosexual activity, sanctions only the union of a man and a woman in matrimony. While we do not seek to impose our religious principles on others, we believe the institution of marriage is central to the formation of a healthy society and the raising of children. It is our sincere conviction that discarding the historical definition of marriage would be detrimental to society.

Moreover, we are deeply concerned that, should any such redefinition occur, members of traditional communities like ours will incur moral opprobrium and may risk legal sanction if they refuse to transgress their beliefs. That prospect is chilling, and should be unacceptable to all people of good will on both sides of this debate.

The integrity of marriage in its traditional form must be preserved.

This statement was issued not only by Orthodox institutions considered "right-of center" such as Agudath Israel of America or National Council of Young Israel, but also by more moderate Orthodox organizations such as the Orthodox Union (OU) and the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA).¹ Unlike most religious proclamations which are directed towards specific religious communities, this joint statement advocates a political position - though based on religious principles - to the secular world beyond the normal scope of religious influence. To be sure, this joint statement is hardly the first time rabbinic organizations have issued political statements. Across all major denominations, the Orthodox RCA, Conservative Rabbinical Assembly, and Reform Central Conference of American Rabbis have all passed resolutions advocating public polices exemplifying their respective religious beliefs, with few (if any) complaining about the separation of church and state.

But due to the inherent subjective moral arguments against same-sex marriage, I argue that Jews - especially the Orthodox - would be better served in not opposing its legalization.
continue reading...

There was a time on this website I used to write about my dating life, which as it turns out I haven't really done since 2006. I think I've avoided doing so for a number of reasons, the main ones being my being in a long-term relationship (since ended) and now a relatively public figure as a pulpit rabbi. However, in two days time I will taking a significant step in the dating process by leaving the popular dating site Saw You At Sinai¹ (SYAS) as a paying customer.

For those unfamiliar, SYAS is essentially an online implementation of the blind shidduch / matchmaking dating system. Users create profiles, but instead of searching for other singles users choose matchmakers who do the searching and suggesting for them. Some prefer this method to avoid being contacted directly by creeps, having a reliable person vet out the weirdos, or less cynically prefer to have a mutual acquaintance look out for the interests of both parties. The obvious limitation is that a user's options are entirely dependant on the judgement of the matchmaker.

As of this posting, SYAS boasts 595 matches made and there are of course hundreds if not thousands of Jewish couples who continue to meet through the shidduch system. However, despite empty platitudes of encouragement, it is obvious that this system does not work for everyone, and I would place myself in this category. Thanks to the records of my SYAS account, I will prove mathematically just how ineffective and futile blind shidduch dating can be.

In the SYAS system, a matchmaker suggests a match which is then sent to either the man first, the women first, or both simultaneously (to avoid deadlocks the women make this decision in their preferences). Once a match is sent either party then "approves" or "declines" a match accordingly. If both parties approve, contact information is released and it is expected that they'll call and arrange a date. Simple enough.

Now let's start with my numbers. The first recorded match I have is in 2004 at which point I was still living in Chicago. That gives us about 7 years to work with, minus 2.5 years during which time I suspended my account while in a serious relationship. Here are the stats:

• 711 suggested matches
• 152 of which I accepted
• Yielding 28 first dates
• And zero (0) meaningful serious relationships

Breaking down these numbers, I approved approximately 21.37% of all suggestions and of those women whom I approved only 18.24% reciprocated. Out of all 711 total suggestions, only 3.93% resulted in an actual first date. As pathetic as these numbers are, they don't even tell the full story. In the event a woman chose to receive the suggestion first, it would not necessarily appear in my list and thus I could be under counting just now many times I've been declined.

One could look at these numbers and say that I'm too selective even though my percentage of approving women at 21.37% is greater than the 18.24% reciprocity. From my experience, here are the main reasons why I declined matches:

• Already Friends / Dated - I don't have an inherent objection to dating people I already know, but I can tell if I'm not interested. If I've already dated someone, no point in trying again unless there's a good reason. On the plus side, it does give me a sense if the matchmaker is on the right track.

 

• Too Far / Distance - I've never done well with long distance relationships, and since becoming a rabbi I have neither the time nor money to travel. Despite saying this explicitly in my profile I've gotten many suggestions for people who live outside of my stated geographic range. (The most inexplicable one was London). A bad sign since it clearly indicates the matchmaker ignored what I had to say.

 

• Personality - This is a little more complicated to quantify. As I discussed in my guide to online Jewish dating, writing profiles can be tricky. More often than not, women on SYAS write horribly generic statements which tell me nothing about themselves such that I have no idea how this person would match the personality for whom I am looking.²Even off the site I've found that many people find it difficult to answer the simple question, "how is she what I'm looking for and vice versa?" Just recently a good friend was pushing me to date a mutual friend of hers, however she was at a complete loss at how to describe her beyond the generic, "nice, sweet, pretty" bromides. Following what I've said years ago, I will only invest time, energy, and money into people whom I want to date. Meaning, there has to be a good reason for me to go out with this person as opposed to me justifying my reluctance.

I'd also add that I've periodically gone outside my range just for the sake of not being too obstinate, though the results have been the same.

Then of course is the actual date itself. In my experience, absolutely zero (0) blind shidduch date in any media has ever produced a meaningful serious relationship (though a few have resulted in good friendships). There are probably a whole slew of personal reasons for this, some of which I've explored at length elsewhere on this site. Both of the serious relationships I've had have come from meeting people in normal, if not optimal social settings.³

Has shidduch dating worked for some people? Absolutely. However, to insist that people continue to operate within the confines of a system which has clearly failed them is, as Einstein would put it, "insane." One person is not a statistically significant sample, but I doubt my experience in the blind shidduch world is unique.

While I'm not quite giving up on dating, I am acknowledging based on the empirical evidence that this method is not working for me and it would thus be foolish to continue actively pursuing blind shidduch dates, let alone paying for the privilege. Since I started dating I would not be surprised if I have received at least 1,000 total dating suggestions; but like Kohelet, I have not found even one.

As Kohelet might say in this case, this is a time to move on.

1. The site's name itself is sort of an inside Jewish joke, referring to Midrashic statements that all Jewish souls were present at the reveleation on Mt. Sinai. See for example B. Shabbat 146a.
2. To be sure, not everyone can express themselves verbally, but as I wrote in the guide to online Jewish dating, if you cannot get your personality across in a profile, don't choose this medium since your profile is all someone has on which to rely. Additionally, it is possible to write good profiles; compare for example random ones found on Ok Cupid with any of the exclusively Jewish sites.
3. One at the first Edah conference, the other at a Shabbat meal in Washington Heights.