Recently in Shtick Category

Say what you will, no one can argue "legal fiction" for this one:

Reposted from last year with better redaction on the image.

On my way to Israel I joked Twitter that I hoped I wasn't overweight in terms of luggage. The truth is I could probably stand to lose a few pounds, or at least get better about exercising. Being in Israel certainly helps; when I was in Gush I dropped two suit sizes largely due to walking everywhere and eating less thanks to yeshiva food.

But in New York and working it's perpetually difficult to find time/space to work out. As a Rabbi my schedule is erratic and I can't afford the gyms. In Washington Heights I was better about jogging thanks to Ft. Tryon Park and I'm too scared to bike on the Lower East Side - try a bike land and you'll see what I mean. Still, all these excuses don't mean anything in the long term when faced with family medical histories.

My sister on the other hand is amazing, juggling a household with 4 kids, a job, active in the community, and still forces herself to do something be it jogging, learning to jump rope, or basic exercises with dumbbells.

Dumbbells! So simple, you can do plenty of stuff at home, a perfect solution! In fact there was a time I had some dumbbells. Years ago my great uncle Ben Yuter once randomly sent me two three pound dumbbells in the mail which should have made for a great conversation in the post office: "let's see how much that weighs..." "Trust me, it's 6 pounds."

Before I try new stuff I typically search online to get a sense of how much things cost and what would make the best deal.¹ Some sets looked intrusting, but I found something even more fascinating in the Body Solid Tools line. Sure looks like an ordinary a 7 pound dumbbell with purple coating, but the real bonus is further down the page. In the "Product Details" section I found this gem:

Shipping Weight: 6.4 pounds

Let one think this is an anomaly, the shipping weight for a 6 pound dumbbell is 5.6 pounds and the 8 pound ships at 7.6.

This is nothing short of revolutionary; Amazon has created a shipping system so advanced they can alter the weight of an object. I'm now thinking why bother with working out when I can just keep shipping myself via Amazon and lose .4-.6 pounds at a clip!

The best part is that after $25, I can even ship for free. Can't get a better deal than that.

1. The "typical Jew" economics are really important when you're paid like a rabbi.

From The Globe And Mail:

This year, Germans celebrated the 200th anniversary of the death of Immanuel Kant, reports Philosophy Now magazine. "Kant has traditionally been portrayed as a dutiful ascetic moralist -- in other words, as rather a bore -- but according to the three new biographies, the great metaphysician was not such a square after all. He enjoyed drinking wine, playing billiards and wearing fine, colourful clothes. On occasion, Kant drank so much red wine that he was unable to find his way home, the books claim."

What amazes me is not that Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable, but I still can't believe that a magazine called "Philosophy Now" actually exists.

Maybe it's because I've never seen a copy of it.

Apologies to the Loyal Readers for the lack of Purim shticks this year. I have too much real work to do at the end of the quarter, so it's just not gonna happen.¹ But I do feel the need to write about another dangerous practice of Purim: The Shticks. Each year, some people overdo it and wind up sick, hospitalized, or worse. The problems are exacerbated by a society which forces people to be clever - whether or not they actually have a sense of humor.

If you're going to do some Purim shticks, don't go in without preparation. I've been involved in more shticks than I care to admit, and I've found that "being funny" is easier said than done. Some people simply aren't funny, and others might be funny but have no idea how to make a good shtick or just try too hard. So allow me help with some rules to make this Purim safe, enjoyable, and hopefully lynching free.

Rule 1: Know The Types of Humor

Satire is generally the best way to go for Purim shticks. Here are a few suggestions:

Parodies
If you're too lazy to come up with something from scratch, just take something popular and redo it. Songs, gemaras, ads, articles, or whatever. What you do will normally depend on your forum. Some shticks need to be performed, others are better in print. If you're doing a magazine, be sure to mix up the styles.

The original piece should be serious, thus increasing the comedic impact. If you try to modify a comedy piece, you run the risk of extreme lameness. The only way you could pull it off, is if your version is better than the original. Try to pick something that would be familiar to your audience. The Hamevaser song, although funny, was lost on most people. In YU people either read Hamevaser, or they heard Dennis Leary. Few people knew both.

Images
Any idiot can fool around with Photoshop, but few posess the twisted talent of Ephraim Shapiro.² If you don't have the ability of Shapiro, use minimal image editing, and put more effort into the caption. Take this for example. Initially, they just imposed "YU Registrar's Office" on the guy's butt. I'm sure you will agree, the end result was much funnier.

Puns
Reuven summed up the problem with puns nicely: the better the pun, the worse it is. They can be useful for a change of style to to give the joke another level of humor. Just remember to use them sparingly. And never make a shtick completely out of puns. You will get beat up.

Trust me.

Remember that details are important. A poor choice of words can turn a funny shtick into a tasteless one. A good idea with poor execution just isn't funny. Even worse, you've wasted a good idea. Finally, don't make a joke if it's too obvious. If there is a joke that just has to be made, find a clever way of doing so.

Rule 2: Know Your Audience

If you're writing a journal of some sort, remember that you don't have to have each article be funny to everyone. Actually, it would probably be better to direct some shticks to certain types of people, provided the range of your readership is covered.

Rule 3: Avoid Redundancies

Rule 4: Know Your Limits

Rule 5: Safek Shtick Lehumra

Again, if you're not sure how it will be received (or worse, you are sure), better to leave it out.

Rule 6: There is NOOOOOO Rule 7

If you have your own suggestions or warnings, add them to the comments.

I'm about to become even more reclusive³ as I go on a non-stop writing binge until Spring Break. Expect blogging to be slow for the next two weeks or so unless something comes up.

Purim Sameach

1. Or at least not in time for Purim. I might post some of them later, but we'll see.
2. Although, I must give props to Ben for this one.
3. Yes, that's possible.

Shaynale sends an Excel spreadsheet which determines your ideal job based on your name.

Here's how I did:

• Josh = Vibrator Tester


• Joshua = Clown


• Yuter = Rabbit Slayer


• Josh Yuter = Computer Nerd


• Joshua Yuter = Cowboy


• Rabbi Josh Yuter = Mad Scientist


• Rabbi Joshua Yuter = Village Idiot

I'd say this counts as conclusive scientific proof.

It's been an unusally busy blogging week for me, which usually means I've either been hyper, annoyed, or both. Let's end the week on a positive note, shall we?

Here it is "Arky, Arky" or "Rise and Shine"

Click here to sing along!

Guitar choirs: C F C DM7

(Chorus) Rise and shine and give God the glory-glory (x3)
Children of our God.

God said to Noah, "There's gonna be a floody, floody" (x2)
Get those children out of the muddy, muddy, Children of our God.

Noah, he built him, he built him an arky, arky (2X)
Made it out of gopher barky, bary. Children of our God.

All of the animals, they came in by two-zies, two-zies (x2)
Elephant and kangaroozies, roozies. Children of our God.

Rained and poured for fortyday-zies, dayzies (x2)
Nearly drove those animals crazies, crazies. Children of our God.

Dove went out to take a peeky, peeky (x2)
Dove came back with twig in her beaky, beaky. Children of our God.

This is the end of, the end of our story, story (x2)
Everything is hunky-dory, dory. Children of our God.

(Lyrics from a comment here)

Shabbat Shalom

For added shabbat fun, try using this tune for D'ror Yikra and perhaps benching. Extra points if you don't accidentally start singing Carlebach's "Shomrim"

One last post today and then I am so done. In honor of Halloween, MSN's Learning and Reseach Center rates nine scary monsters from various cultures.

The Golem gets a 4:

Sometime around 1500, it seems, a certain Rabbi L�w [sic] of Prague decided to build a tireless servant. He shaped a heap of clay into a crude humanoid, muttered a spell and--say hello to the golem, a powerful pile of mindless matter that follows its master's orders relentlessly.

Needless to say, it didn't work out as hoped.

Three issues:

1. "Muttered a Spell" - I think even the Kabbalah Center would be upset with that description

2. "build a tireless servant" - Hey, the water carrier thing was just a cover for his true purpose - to thwart the blood libels attempted by the anti-semitic peasentry. (oh, and once to rescue a Jewish woman who was raised Catholic). I used to read the comics in the Jewish Press, and they wouldn't mislead me. Not about this anyway.

3. Here's the kicker: "Didn't work out as hoped"??? What does that mean? Does anyone know of stories that involved the Golem going on murderous rampages? Ok, maybe the evil anti-semitic peasants got their blood libel plans foiled, but hey, they deserved it. And as we all should know from the X-Files, the golem only exists to extract revenge on the enemies of the Jews or to serve as their protectors like that episode of Gargoyles. Even Mendy got along with his golem.

Sorry, I'm in a bad mood today.

Since my last call for comments was less than impressive, I'm going to try again with another question. What is the best most addictive interactive time waster on the web. This doesn't include reading blogs, watching amusing cartoons, or anything passive. These are things that require more user input than pressing the "play" button. For the record, I discovered these long before I came to Chicago.

I offer three suggestions:

News Hunter
This shockwave game is based on Comedy Central's Daily Show. Skipping the so called "point," this realistic flash game is highly addictive and entertaining despite the blantant shilling for the VW Touareg.

Fling the Cow
Initially done in DHTML, it is now available in flash as well. It delivers what it promises.

Broken Saints
This will be my "exception which proves the rule" (I love academia). Though passive - it's a moderately animated graphic novel - it's a fantastic piece of work. The work of three people over three years in their spare time, this work has won numerous awards including one at Sundance. (See their FAQ for more details).

So if you're interested in something different, check this out. I'd recommend downloading "keepers" locally so you can view them at your leisure. One ambitious (probably unemployed) Slashdot reader clocked all 24 chapters at roughly 10 hrs 30 min total viewing time, so I wouldn't recommend watching the whole thing in one sitting. One warning though: the beginning is really slow.

Update: It turns out that this isn't much of an exception after all. I just noticed that there is an upcoming Broken Saints video game. If you have the bandwith, check out the trailer - although it's more impressive if you've seen the original in its entirety. The game isn't due out until 2006 and only for "next generation consoles."

Disclaimer: Play at your own risk. I am not responsible if you get fired or suspended.